ya'll know me still the same ol' G

OMG. Why do I even TRY to keep a blog? Seriously. Luckily my presence in cyberspace is very very small and no one out there is hanging on my every word, desperatley waiting for me to write a blog. :) This is just for me, and I'm still not very good at it! I used to be, Sonny.
Anyways. It would be pointless to recap everything that's gone on since February, and really not much has changed. I'm officially a paramedic, which is awesome and defines me greatly--but I do not yet have a job as a paramedic. Being a paramedic is who I am, it's a dream come true and a goal acheived...so why I'm not working in that capacity yet, I don't know. The wonderful thing is that though it's been a very hard and complicated year full of conflicting emotions and not understandint what on earth God is doing, I have reached a place, thanks to Him, where I have absolute peace. I will never understand His ways, and that's OK. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my life at this point in time, but I am where He wants me to be. For the first time in my life I truly get the concept of 'peace that passes understanding', because absolutley nothing in my life makes any sense at all, seriously, and that's OK. I spent the greater part of the year frantically pursuing jobs and being angry and frusterated with every rejection letter, kicking myself over every interview question that in hindsight I was sure could have been answered differentley, picking apart my education and decisions and not being angry with God for giving me this overwhelming desire to go into a field where I apparentley am unable to find a role.
Somewhere along the line though after much praying and searching and anger and wrestling with God, He gave me this gift of peace. There is a reason for my being almost a year out without a spot as a paramedic. I don't understand it, but I'm at the point where I'm greatful for it, sort of. Getting there. :) God has shown me more about dealing with people and loving them in my current job this last year than I've ever had, He has softened my heart greatly and shown me what it means to truly love as He does. Obviously I will always need to work on this, but He's given me a glimpse into His heart more passionatley and in depth this past year than I ever felt possible. Once I stopped wrestling and gave it up and let Him lead me, I was awestruck with what He showed me. He's used a great deal of things to get me here, and I am greatful for every one.
Aside from work, He has worked on me in other relationships as well. Family, friends, co-workers...I feel as though I am a much better person and friend in a much better place than I ever have been after these difficult years, and it's all because of Him and His peace. I can't really describe it...only Jesus could make ME speechless and at a loss for words :) Obviously I have a long ways to go in the Kingdom and my walk but I know, as I said, that I am here right now for a reason and a purpse and that every step I take is guided, my life is not my own, and I am so love-struck and greatful. Life is still hard, but I am being carried by a Lover who cares for me more than any mortal man or parent or friend every could, and though I am so undeserving, He continues to guide me and carry me through.
I've often said that the overwhelming theme in my life and walk with God is Him reminding me, over and over again, that I'm not in control. Daily it seems I rise up and try to say 'But but but! I have a plan! I'm good at this! Let me take over! I want the reigns!' And daily He gently reminds me to stand down. I've had to rely on Him for everything these past few years, from finances to energy to words...that's not easy for me. I'm a paramedic, it's my nature to take control and rescue and be self-sufficient and plan and be on my own. In the dictionary next to the phrase 'control freak', there should be a picture of me. But Jesus, with a patience that no one else could ever have, continually breaks me down and brings me back to a place where I have nothing but Him and need to cling to Him for dear life. I have a long ways to go but I think I'm starting to get it.
So it's funny that every aspect of my life right now is a little bizzare and very unsuspected and out of my control, but is also so beautiful in so many ways. My employment status--I never thought I'd still be in the ER but I know I am there because I'm supposed to be. It's not the role I want, but it must be the role I still need, or the role He needs me to be in. My family--still living with Mom and still her main support, as she navigates life away from Sdad and all the drama and family crap that still revolves around us. We are far from financially stable still, still thanks to Sdad< but God and God alone pulls us through. I am heartbroken over the loss of my brother who has now cut all ties with me but am relying on Jesus to get me through that, and if someday possible, for us to reconcile. The main area the Lord has been my rock is interpersonally, through all this crap--it's easy to feel very alone because I have no one, really, or had no one, to lean on but Him. Mom leans on me and that's a LOT--I'm her roomate, daughter, help-mate, best friend, and psychologist right now all roled into one. So that doesn't leave a lot for her to give to me. She is an amazing woman who has done so much for me over the course of my life that this role reversal isn't anything for me to be resentful about, she needs me and deserves a lot better after all she's been through. I am greatful I can be here for her. And it's made a stronger person and made my relationship with Christ stronger. But it's also made me a little harder than I needed to be, made me think I didn't need anyone else, ever...my main suppot systems in my life besides Mom have been for the last 8 years or so my best friends, Karen and Nichole, both of whom along with their families are amazing and often fill in the void of family for me. However, Karen now lives an hour away and they both have their own families to contend with, so I've often felt on my own, and this has pulled me closer to Jesus. I felt pretty comfortable with the fact that it was me and Him and that was all I needed and the way it was always going to be.
Until recentley...obviously He is still all I need and still my all in all, however, recentley He has opened up a door that I did not think possible...long story short (something pretty impossible for me to do, but you know:), an amazing man who I've known since high school and who has always been one of my best friends, and who I've almost always wanted to be more than friends with, and who I tried, twice before, to be more than friends with but it never worked, but I always had wished...the funny thing is I struggled and prayed daily for him, for my heart and head to forget him and to just love him like the brother in Christ he's been and only that sort of love, because I never thought he'd ever feel anything else for me but that...we where good friends, giving each other advice on the opposite sex and I played along and begged God to take away what I thought were futile and unnsessecary feelings that would never be reciprocated...but it's funny how God works. And of course nothing is normal in this situation--an 19-hour drive distance of almost 2,000 miles, technically never having seen each other in person...it's complicated and nerve-wracking and uncertain...and wonderful. I was completley unprepared for this part of my life, for him...but oh I'm loving every minute of it. And it's another area in which I can almost literally see and can definatley feel God's hand doing the orchestrating, and in which He has given me absolute perfect peace. I require an inordinate amount of patience in a NORMAL relationship, so this is a huge leap of faith on both parties and I feel almost sorry for him, having to deal with me and my doubts and everything, but our shared faith and friendship is huge and seems the perfect launching bad for something this bizzarly wonderful. And God is using it something fierce and...yeah. It's hard but it's awesome. I'm overjoyed and so excited to see where it goes.
Life is a roller coaster. Nothing about it makes sense. It sucks sometimes. But my God is good and amazing and full of infinite possibilities. I have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or who will be beside me when I do get there, but I know Who's controlling the roller coaster :)
-m