1. What did you do in 2010 that you've never done before?
Passed the NREMT-P National Registry practical and written exams.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
It's a lost cause, I always forget.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My BFF Karen had lovely baby Eden!!! :)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No thank God
5. What countries did you visit?
0.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A medic job, him here with me, better finances.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 10th--paramedic school graduation; March 10th, found out I had passed the written exam and could officially call myself a paramedic.
8. What was your biggest achievement?
Becoming a medic.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not finding a job as a paramedic.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of little things, nothing worth dwelling on.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Dirty Vegas, my used 2001 Mitsubishi Galant.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Karen and Nichole, who got me through so much crap;him.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed and disgusted?
Sdad, sbrother.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills bills bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Internship, becoming a medic, everytime I went on an interview and thought I'd maybe FINALLY get a medic job; him :).
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Thrice, 'The Artist In The Ambulance'/Jason Gray 'More Like Falling In Love'/John Mark McMillan 'How He Loves'/Eminem ft. Rihanna 'Love the Way You Lie'/Lifehouse, 'All In'
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a)happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
c) richer or poorer? Probably about the same :) Poor in finances but rich in blessings.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relaxing and trusting in Him
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being angry and unhappy with life rather than seeing the beauty of His plan, regardless.
20. How will you spend New Years?
Babysitting and hopefully texting/talking on the phone.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
Oh let's say in the process :)
22. How many one-night stands?
0.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
'Grey’s Anatomy' & 'Glee'
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Naw
25. What was the best book you read?
Wally Lamb, 'I Know This Much Is True'/Eric and Leslie Ludy 'When God Writes Your Love Story'/Shane Clairborne 'The Irresistible Revolution'
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kari Jobe/John Mark McMillan
27. What did you want and get?
My paramedic liscence; him--ish :)
28. What did you want and not get?
A paramedic job, him--ish.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
'Twilight: Eclipse' :)
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Worked, went to dinner with Mom; 27.
31. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
A paramedic job, him here (this is getting redundant :-p)
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Well the first month of the year I wore my medic pants, work boots and student polo EVERY SINGLE DAY; the rest of the year it's either been scrubs or jeans with a concert t-shirt and sweater/hoodie every day and clogs.
33. What kept you sane?
Karen, Nichole, him.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
John Mayer! <3 (best concert of the year :)
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Tried to stay away from polotics.
36. Who did you miss?
The Tollivers when the moved, him.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Lots of awesome co-workers
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
I am NOT in control, but that's OK.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane/I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy/When all of a sudden/I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/And I realize just how beautiful You are/And how great Your affections are for me..."--JMM
40. What is your goal for 2011?
-Pay at least half of my student loans off and raise my credit score; become a better runner; GET A MEDIC JOB; see him.
I am convinced this will be the year that my faithful Father shows me that good things come to those who wait patiently on Him. I am so blessed, no matter what. How He loves us, indeed, and how I love those of you that He has so graciously placed in my life. Blessings to all of you.
~M
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
ya'll know me still the same ol' G
OMG. Why do I even TRY to keep a blog? Seriously. Luckily my presence in cyberspace is very very small and no one out there is hanging on my every word, desperatley waiting for me to write a blog. :) This is just for me, and I'm still not very good at it! I used to be, Sonny.
Anyways. It would be pointless to recap everything that's gone on since February, and really not much has changed. I'm officially a paramedic, which is awesome and defines me greatly--but I do not yet have a job as a paramedic. Being a paramedic is who I am, it's a dream come true and a goal acheived...so why I'm not working in that capacity yet, I don't know. The wonderful thing is that though it's been a very hard and complicated year full of conflicting emotions and not understandint what on earth God is doing, I have reached a place, thanks to Him, where I have absolute peace. I will never understand His ways, and that's OK. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my life at this point in time, but I am where He wants me to be. For the first time in my life I truly get the concept of 'peace that passes understanding', because absolutley nothing in my life makes any sense at all, seriously, and that's OK. I spent the greater part of the year frantically pursuing jobs and being angry and frusterated with every rejection letter, kicking myself over every interview question that in hindsight I was sure could have been answered differentley, picking apart my education and decisions and not being angry with God for giving me this overwhelming desire to go into a field where I apparentley am unable to find a role.
Somewhere along the line though after much praying and searching and anger and wrestling with God, He gave me this gift of peace. There is a reason for my being almost a year out without a spot as a paramedic. I don't understand it, but I'm at the point where I'm greatful for it, sort of. Getting there. :) God has shown me more about dealing with people and loving them in my current job this last year than I've ever had, He has softened my heart greatly and shown me what it means to truly love as He does. Obviously I will always need to work on this, but He's given me a glimpse into His heart more passionatley and in depth this past year than I ever felt possible. Once I stopped wrestling and gave it up and let Him lead me, I was awestruck with what He showed me. He's used a great deal of things to get me here, and I am greatful for every one.
Aside from work, He has worked on me in other relationships as well. Family, friends, co-workers...I feel as though I am a much better person and friend in a much better place than I ever have been after these difficult years, and it's all because of Him and His peace. I can't really describe it...only Jesus could make ME speechless and at a loss for words :) Obviously I have a long ways to go in the Kingdom and my walk but I know, as I said, that I am here right now for a reason and a purpse and that every step I take is guided, my life is not my own, and I am so love-struck and greatful. Life is still hard, but I am being carried by a Lover who cares for me more than any mortal man or parent or friend every could, and though I am so undeserving, He continues to guide me and carry me through.
I've often said that the overwhelming theme in my life and walk with God is Him reminding me, over and over again, that I'm not in control. Daily it seems I rise up and try to say 'But but but! I have a plan! I'm good at this! Let me take over! I want the reigns!' And daily He gently reminds me to stand down. I've had to rely on Him for everything these past few years, from finances to energy to words...that's not easy for me. I'm a paramedic, it's my nature to take control and rescue and be self-sufficient and plan and be on my own. In the dictionary next to the phrase 'control freak', there should be a picture of me. But Jesus, with a patience that no one else could ever have, continually breaks me down and brings me back to a place where I have nothing but Him and need to cling to Him for dear life. I have a long ways to go but I think I'm starting to get it.
So it's funny that every aspect of my life right now is a little bizzare and very unsuspected and out of my control, but is also so beautiful in so many ways. My employment status--I never thought I'd still be in the ER but I know I am there because I'm supposed to be. It's not the role I want, but it must be the role I still need, or the role He needs me to be in. My family--still living with Mom and still her main support, as she navigates life away from Sdad and all the drama and family crap that still revolves around us. We are far from financially stable still, still thanks to Sdad< but God and God alone pulls us through. I am heartbroken over the loss of my brother who has now cut all ties with me but am relying on Jesus to get me through that, and if someday possible, for us to reconcile. The main area the Lord has been my rock is interpersonally, through all this crap--it's easy to feel very alone because I have no one, really, or had no one, to lean on but Him. Mom leans on me and that's a LOT--I'm her roomate, daughter, help-mate, best friend, and psychologist right now all roled into one. So that doesn't leave a lot for her to give to me. She is an amazing woman who has done so much for me over the course of my life that this role reversal isn't anything for me to be resentful about, she needs me and deserves a lot better after all she's been through. I am greatful I can be here for her. And it's made a stronger person and made my relationship with Christ stronger. But it's also made me a little harder than I needed to be, made me think I didn't need anyone else, ever...my main suppot systems in my life besides Mom have been for the last 8 years or so my best friends, Karen and Nichole, both of whom along with their families are amazing and often fill in the void of family for me. However, Karen now lives an hour away and they both have their own families to contend with, so I've often felt on my own, and this has pulled me closer to Jesus. I felt pretty comfortable with the fact that it was me and Him and that was all I needed and the way it was always going to be.
Until recentley...obviously He is still all I need and still my all in all, however, recentley He has opened up a door that I did not think possible...long story short (something pretty impossible for me to do, but you know:), an amazing man who I've known since high school and who has always been one of my best friends, and who I've almost always wanted to be more than friends with, and who I tried, twice before, to be more than friends with but it never worked, but I always had wished...the funny thing is I struggled and prayed daily for him, for my heart and head to forget him and to just love him like the brother in Christ he's been and only that sort of love, because I never thought he'd ever feel anything else for me but that...we where good friends, giving each other advice on the opposite sex and I played along and begged God to take away what I thought were futile and unnsessecary feelings that would never be reciprocated...but it's funny how God works. And of course nothing is normal in this situation--an 19-hour drive distance of almost 2,000 miles, technically never having seen each other in person...it's complicated and nerve-wracking and uncertain...and wonderful. I was completley unprepared for this part of my life, for him...but oh I'm loving every minute of it. And it's another area in which I can almost literally see and can definatley feel God's hand doing the orchestrating, and in which He has given me absolute perfect peace. I require an inordinate amount of patience in a NORMAL relationship, so this is a huge leap of faith on both parties and I feel almost sorry for him, having to deal with me and my doubts and everything, but our shared faith and friendship is huge and seems the perfect launching bad for something this bizzarly wonderful. And God is using it something fierce and...yeah. It's hard but it's awesome. I'm overjoyed and so excited to see where it goes.
Life is a roller coaster. Nothing about it makes sense. It sucks sometimes. But my God is good and amazing and full of infinite possibilities. I have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or who will be beside me when I do get there, but I know Who's controlling the roller coaster :)
-m
Anyways. It would be pointless to recap everything that's gone on since February, and really not much has changed. I'm officially a paramedic, which is awesome and defines me greatly--but I do not yet have a job as a paramedic. Being a paramedic is who I am, it's a dream come true and a goal acheived...so why I'm not working in that capacity yet, I don't know. The wonderful thing is that though it's been a very hard and complicated year full of conflicting emotions and not understandint what on earth God is doing, I have reached a place, thanks to Him, where I have absolute peace. I will never understand His ways, and that's OK. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my life at this point in time, but I am where He wants me to be. For the first time in my life I truly get the concept of 'peace that passes understanding', because absolutley nothing in my life makes any sense at all, seriously, and that's OK. I spent the greater part of the year frantically pursuing jobs and being angry and frusterated with every rejection letter, kicking myself over every interview question that in hindsight I was sure could have been answered differentley, picking apart my education and decisions and not being angry with God for giving me this overwhelming desire to go into a field where I apparentley am unable to find a role.
Somewhere along the line though after much praying and searching and anger and wrestling with God, He gave me this gift of peace. There is a reason for my being almost a year out without a spot as a paramedic. I don't understand it, but I'm at the point where I'm greatful for it, sort of. Getting there. :) God has shown me more about dealing with people and loving them in my current job this last year than I've ever had, He has softened my heart greatly and shown me what it means to truly love as He does. Obviously I will always need to work on this, but He's given me a glimpse into His heart more passionatley and in depth this past year than I ever felt possible. Once I stopped wrestling and gave it up and let Him lead me, I was awestruck with what He showed me. He's used a great deal of things to get me here, and I am greatful for every one.
Aside from work, He has worked on me in other relationships as well. Family, friends, co-workers...I feel as though I am a much better person and friend in a much better place than I ever have been after these difficult years, and it's all because of Him and His peace. I can't really describe it...only Jesus could make ME speechless and at a loss for words :) Obviously I have a long ways to go in the Kingdom and my walk but I know, as I said, that I am here right now for a reason and a purpse and that every step I take is guided, my life is not my own, and I am so love-struck and greatful. Life is still hard, but I am being carried by a Lover who cares for me more than any mortal man or parent or friend every could, and though I am so undeserving, He continues to guide me and carry me through.
I've often said that the overwhelming theme in my life and walk with God is Him reminding me, over and over again, that I'm not in control. Daily it seems I rise up and try to say 'But but but! I have a plan! I'm good at this! Let me take over! I want the reigns!' And daily He gently reminds me to stand down. I've had to rely on Him for everything these past few years, from finances to energy to words...that's not easy for me. I'm a paramedic, it's my nature to take control and rescue and be self-sufficient and plan and be on my own. In the dictionary next to the phrase 'control freak', there should be a picture of me. But Jesus, with a patience that no one else could ever have, continually breaks me down and brings me back to a place where I have nothing but Him and need to cling to Him for dear life. I have a long ways to go but I think I'm starting to get it.
So it's funny that every aspect of my life right now is a little bizzare and very unsuspected and out of my control, but is also so beautiful in so many ways. My employment status--I never thought I'd still be in the ER but I know I am there because I'm supposed to be. It's not the role I want, but it must be the role I still need, or the role He needs me to be in. My family--still living with Mom and still her main support, as she navigates life away from Sdad and all the drama and family crap that still revolves around us. We are far from financially stable still, still thanks to Sdad< but God and God alone pulls us through. I am heartbroken over the loss of my brother who has now cut all ties with me but am relying on Jesus to get me through that, and if someday possible, for us to reconcile. The main area the Lord has been my rock is interpersonally, through all this crap--it's easy to feel very alone because I have no one, really, or had no one, to lean on but Him. Mom leans on me and that's a LOT--I'm her roomate, daughter, help-mate, best friend, and psychologist right now all roled into one. So that doesn't leave a lot for her to give to me. She is an amazing woman who has done so much for me over the course of my life that this role reversal isn't anything for me to be resentful about, she needs me and deserves a lot better after all she's been through. I am greatful I can be here for her. And it's made a stronger person and made my relationship with Christ stronger. But it's also made me a little harder than I needed to be, made me think I didn't need anyone else, ever...my main suppot systems in my life besides Mom have been for the last 8 years or so my best friends, Karen and Nichole, both of whom along with their families are amazing and often fill in the void of family for me. However, Karen now lives an hour away and they both have their own families to contend with, so I've often felt on my own, and this has pulled me closer to Jesus. I felt pretty comfortable with the fact that it was me and Him and that was all I needed and the way it was always going to be.
Until recentley...obviously He is still all I need and still my all in all, however, recentley He has opened up a door that I did not think possible...long story short (something pretty impossible for me to do, but you know:), an amazing man who I've known since high school and who has always been one of my best friends, and who I've almost always wanted to be more than friends with, and who I tried, twice before, to be more than friends with but it never worked, but I always had wished...the funny thing is I struggled and prayed daily for him, for my heart and head to forget him and to just love him like the brother in Christ he's been and only that sort of love, because I never thought he'd ever feel anything else for me but that...we where good friends, giving each other advice on the opposite sex and I played along and begged God to take away what I thought were futile and unnsessecary feelings that would never be reciprocated...but it's funny how God works. And of course nothing is normal in this situation--an 19-hour drive distance of almost 2,000 miles, technically never having seen each other in person...it's complicated and nerve-wracking and uncertain...and wonderful. I was completley unprepared for this part of my life, for him...but oh I'm loving every minute of it. And it's another area in which I can almost literally see and can definatley feel God's hand doing the orchestrating, and in which He has given me absolute perfect peace. I require an inordinate amount of patience in a NORMAL relationship, so this is a huge leap of faith on both parties and I feel almost sorry for him, having to deal with me and my doubts and everything, but our shared faith and friendship is huge and seems the perfect launching bad for something this bizzarly wonderful. And God is using it something fierce and...yeah. It's hard but it's awesome. I'm overjoyed and so excited to see where it goes.
Life is a roller coaster. Nothing about it makes sense. It sucks sometimes. But my God is good and amazing and full of infinite possibilities. I have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or who will be beside me when I do get there, but I know Who's controlling the roller coaster :)
-m
Monday, February 22, 2010
how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics?
So after missing a full weekend of work to this crud, I caved and called my trusty MD for a prescription. I was surprised he called something in for me since I haven't atually been to my GP for two years (last time I was sick enough to warrant a visit) but he did, God love him. His nurse said I probably should come in but they'd call a Z-pack in for me, anyway. Yeees. Also went to the chiropractor and of course that helped as well.
The parking lot of my apartments has a very poor drainage system and with all the melting snow, it's been more of a river than a parking lot, which especially sucks at night when everything freezes. My poor car happened to be parked in an especially river-like spot and unbelievably, the tires froze in the ice to the ground. The car's been stuck since Friday and tonight I tried one last time to get it out so I could go to the chiro. I'd tried cat litter, ice melt, everything...tonight a very nice neighbor finally tried to help me by pushing the car as I reversed, and it took him and another guy, but they finally got it out. God is so good, I was so worried about how to get it out by myself and then along comes a guy asking if I need help...that always seems to happen when I need help with my car. Just as I'm thinking 'Crap, I need a guy, I can't figure this out on my own', God sends a gentleman to help...Since my own father is passed on and my step-father is not around to help me, it's always nice to see my Heavenly Father still taking care of me. Sometimes I feel so alone--a single girl, clueless about all things cars, electricity, tools, etc, you're normal cliches, I'm a typical girl, I can't help it! LOL--and He takes care of me. Its very comforting. Usually I never see the guys that help me again, and I get a LOT of help, having the worst car luck in the world (I've already broken down twice, been stuck in the snow twice, and been stuck in my own parking lot just this winter alone), and I sometimes wonder if it's angels or just divinly placed awesome strangers. I thank them, whoever they are.
So this past weekend I've pretty much done nothing but sit and feel miserable and take OTC meds and blow my nose and Facebook stalk. And I've seen about 8 more of my friends/aquaintances who are either in a new relationship, or engaged, or married, or having children. I'm so happy for all of them, and it's getting almost to the point that I can JUST be happy for them and not feel a pain of jealousy or wistfulness any more. In the last terrible year, one of the things I realized was that, hey, I'm 26 and single, I live with my mom and my cat, I've only been in one serious relationship and you can count on one hand the number of actual dates I've ever been on...I get rejected by dudes like it's my job. It's pretty obvious at this point that I'm meant to be alone, at least for awhile. And it's fine, I've accepted that, mourned it, and I'm over it. But it's been rough, seriously every day on Facebook I see new romances, new lives together in the making or a new life in one of my old friend's bellies...and knowing that will never be me...it's difficult. But I'll deal.
This antibiotic should fix everything, I've just got to give it a chance to kick in. ;-)
The parking lot of my apartments has a very poor drainage system and with all the melting snow, it's been more of a river than a parking lot, which especially sucks at night when everything freezes. My poor car happened to be parked in an especially river-like spot and unbelievably, the tires froze in the ice to the ground. The car's been stuck since Friday and tonight I tried one last time to get it out so I could go to the chiro. I'd tried cat litter, ice melt, everything...tonight a very nice neighbor finally tried to help me by pushing the car as I reversed, and it took him and another guy, but they finally got it out. God is so good, I was so worried about how to get it out by myself and then along comes a guy asking if I need help...that always seems to happen when I need help with my car. Just as I'm thinking 'Crap, I need a guy, I can't figure this out on my own', God sends a gentleman to help...Since my own father is passed on and my step-father is not around to help me, it's always nice to see my Heavenly Father still taking care of me. Sometimes I feel so alone--a single girl, clueless about all things cars, electricity, tools, etc, you're normal cliches, I'm a typical girl, I can't help it! LOL--and He takes care of me. Its very comforting. Usually I never see the guys that help me again, and I get a LOT of help, having the worst car luck in the world (I've already broken down twice, been stuck in the snow twice, and been stuck in my own parking lot just this winter alone), and I sometimes wonder if it's angels or just divinly placed awesome strangers. I thank them, whoever they are.
So this past weekend I've pretty much done nothing but sit and feel miserable and take OTC meds and blow my nose and Facebook stalk. And I've seen about 8 more of my friends/aquaintances who are either in a new relationship, or engaged, or married, or having children. I'm so happy for all of them, and it's getting almost to the point that I can JUST be happy for them and not feel a pain of jealousy or wistfulness any more. In the last terrible year, one of the things I realized was that, hey, I'm 26 and single, I live with my mom and my cat, I've only been in one serious relationship and you can count on one hand the number of actual dates I've ever been on...I get rejected by dudes like it's my job. It's pretty obvious at this point that I'm meant to be alone, at least for awhile. And it's fine, I've accepted that, mourned it, and I'm over it. But it's been rough, seriously every day on Facebook I see new romances, new lives together in the making or a new life in one of my old friend's bellies...and knowing that will never be me...it's difficult. But I'll deal.
This antibiotic should fix everything, I've just got to give it a chance to kick in. ;-)
Friday, February 19, 2010
it's been real, but it hasn't been real fun!
So, I used to blog like everyday...it started in high school, when I was 15 and got my first computer and an account on opendiary.com. I wrote daily, religiously, sometimes more than once a day, and kept it up for years. I've had various other blogs on other sites and have kept journals on paper since I was 5. But as life got busier, with college and jobs and crap, I stopped blogging. I haven't written a blog since March of last year, almost a year ago. And I've noticed a correlation in that when I stop blogging, everything falls apart. Coincidence? Probably. But I'm not taking any more chances.
Maybe no one will ever read this, but I'm startin over, a whole new blog, to chronicle the crap and joys of life, because apparentley I need it, it's like free therapy. And Lord knows I could use a therapist but can't afford one. But there's something soothing about typing narcistic chronicles of your daily life and sending it out into cyberspace for the world to see...or not see.
So.
The last year and few months of my life have literally been theworstyearofmylife. I'm a girl, like everyone, who's gone through a lot of crap--alcoholic dad who died while driving drunk when I was 11, loosing all my grandparents to cancer/heart disease before I was 16, more car problems than anyone I know, a cancer scare when I was 13, etc etc etc...but the last year takes the cake. In the last year:
-I saw my mom become disabled from a back injury (and painfully rehabilitated, thank God); saw my step-dad go off the deep-end and stop supporting my mom and become abusive both verbally and through utter neglect;
-I helped my mom leave said abusive step-dad and move into an apartment with her after loosing thousands of dollars thanks to said step-dad so now every day is a struggle for us financially;
-I saw my little (step)brother marry, impregnate, and then become abusive to and divorce his high-school sweetheart;
-I had said brother then quit speaking to me (and Mom), believing she/I had taken his ex-wife's side, and he took step-dad's side, and it's all a big mess. (My brother is now in Afghanistan and has a daughter, and I've still not been able to speak to him, because he ignores all calls/texts/ Facebook messages--it's heartbreaking to say the least.)
-My beloved cat died.
-My best friend moved away.
-One car died, I got a new car, and that car required a new engine...Now I just feel like I'm rambling/whining. I realize that every life is full of pain, and no one has things easy, ever, and if they do it's not for long...it's just been a lot. And it never seems to quit, ever.
There where of course some good things. In the midst of this terrible year I somehow got through paramedic school, and in the course of that course, a year-long uber-challenging program filled with clinicals and death and ambulance rides and excitment and arrythmias and stress, I found my heart's calling and what I was meant to do. I was definatley born to be a paramedic, because I'm just crazy enough to enjoy the rush that comes with being called to the unknown and stepping into chaos and trying to create order. I love it, I love it, I love it. So as much as I lost, there where many blessings and gains.
I remember a couple years ago one of my Bible study friends at the time was experiencing the divorce of her parents, and she told us that she felt like God was ripping away each and every part of her life, until she clung to Him, to make her realize that He was all she needed. My dear friend Karen (the one who moved away) and I discussed this last year and how it paralleled my own life, and how maybe that's what He was/is doing to/for me. I agreed, but I am stubborn. I am a paramedic, I am a control freak, I see chaos and it is my job to create order--and so I resist, time and time again, and I ignore the call of the ultimate Rescuer, the Lover of my Soul. He only wants me to call 911, to call Him, and to let Him be my rescuer. One of the things I most fell in love with about my future profession when I was on my internship is the feeling, the priviledge, of being able to go into a perfect stranger's home, to see them on their own kitchen floor or living room couch, scared and in pain, and to see that look of relief in their eyes--it's an audible sigh, an 'oh thank goodness someone's here, I will be OK'...and they will be, because you are there, you will help them, I will help them, it's why they called and why I came. It's so humbling and moving...you are their rescuer, I am their rescuer.
So why is it so hard for me to acknoweldge MY Rescuer? Why do I resist? Daily I fall, I fail, I am scared and need help, I need resucitating...and I could call out to Him, I have His 911 on speed dial, He is only a call, a shout, a cry away...and I am simply to stubborn to pick up the phone or open my mouth. Until I hit rock bottom. Daily I hit rock bottom, and daily He resucitates me. He has too, there is no other way.
At work the other day there was a patient who was blind, and I watched as he let the ER Service Rep guide him to his ER room. A perfect stranger, whose face he couldn't even see, and trustingly he took the Rep's arm and faithfully let him guide him to a Treatment Room. I have never been so jealous as I watched that literally blind, trusting faith. Everything in my life is a struggle because I am too stubborn and scared to to have such a faith. Yes I'm a Christian, yes I believe, and I've gotten a lot better, grown a lot in my faith, but it's in the little things that I have such a hard time letting go and letting God. A blind patient can willingly let a strange hospital employee guide him to a room and desperate patients will gladly call 911 and put their whole lives in a perfect stranger's hands to get help, get stabilized, and be whiscked to a hospital....but I resist and hold on to my control almost to the death from a God who has lovingly proved Himself to me time and time again!...it's sad, amazing, and human. It's a struggle.
I'm a work in progress, as is my life and career, and it's all a gift from God. Sometimes a gift with damaged wrapping, but a beautiful and unique present is inside, even when I don't see it that way. So I'm going to blog about it on here, and if you choose to read it, I hope you see Him.
My mom bought me Matt Maher's CD 'Alive Again' before I left for my internship in Rochester, MN, because she'd heard the song 'Alive Again' on KLove and it reminded her of paramedics finding patients, and God finding us, and I listened to it all the way there. It's an amazing song about Him saving us, how He resucitates us, daily.
http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?2991
Thanks for reading.
~M
Maybe no one will ever read this, but I'm startin over, a whole new blog, to chronicle the crap and joys of life, because apparentley I need it, it's like free therapy. And Lord knows I could use a therapist but can't afford one. But there's something soothing about typing narcistic chronicles of your daily life and sending it out into cyberspace for the world to see...or not see.
So.
The last year and few months of my life have literally been theworstyearofmylife. I'm a girl, like everyone, who's gone through a lot of crap--alcoholic dad who died while driving drunk when I was 11, loosing all my grandparents to cancer/heart disease before I was 16, more car problems than anyone I know, a cancer scare when I was 13, etc etc etc...but the last year takes the cake. In the last year:
-I saw my mom become disabled from a back injury (and painfully rehabilitated, thank God); saw my step-dad go off the deep-end and stop supporting my mom and become abusive both verbally and through utter neglect;
-I helped my mom leave said abusive step-dad and move into an apartment with her after loosing thousands of dollars thanks to said step-dad so now every day is a struggle for us financially;
-I saw my little (step)brother marry, impregnate, and then become abusive to and divorce his high-school sweetheart;
-I had said brother then quit speaking to me (and Mom), believing she/I had taken his ex-wife's side, and he took step-dad's side, and it's all a big mess. (My brother is now in Afghanistan and has a daughter, and I've still not been able to speak to him, because he ignores all calls/texts/ Facebook messages--it's heartbreaking to say the least.)
-My beloved cat died.
-My best friend moved away.
-One car died, I got a new car, and that car required a new engine...Now I just feel like I'm rambling/whining. I realize that every life is full of pain, and no one has things easy, ever, and if they do it's not for long...it's just been a lot. And it never seems to quit, ever.
There where of course some good things. In the midst of this terrible year I somehow got through paramedic school, and in the course of that course, a year-long uber-challenging program filled with clinicals and death and ambulance rides and excitment and arrythmias and stress, I found my heart's calling and what I was meant to do. I was definatley born to be a paramedic, because I'm just crazy enough to enjoy the rush that comes with being called to the unknown and stepping into chaos and trying to create order. I love it, I love it, I love it. So as much as I lost, there where many blessings and gains.
I remember a couple years ago one of my Bible study friends at the time was experiencing the divorce of her parents, and she told us that she felt like God was ripping away each and every part of her life, until she clung to Him, to make her realize that He was all she needed. My dear friend Karen (the one who moved away) and I discussed this last year and how it paralleled my own life, and how maybe that's what He was/is doing to/for me. I agreed, but I am stubborn. I am a paramedic, I am a control freak, I see chaos and it is my job to create order--and so I resist, time and time again, and I ignore the call of the ultimate Rescuer, the Lover of my Soul. He only wants me to call 911, to call Him, and to let Him be my rescuer. One of the things I most fell in love with about my future profession when I was on my internship is the feeling, the priviledge, of being able to go into a perfect stranger's home, to see them on their own kitchen floor or living room couch, scared and in pain, and to see that look of relief in their eyes--it's an audible sigh, an 'oh thank goodness someone's here, I will be OK'...and they will be, because you are there, you will help them, I will help them, it's why they called and why I came. It's so humbling and moving...you are their rescuer, I am their rescuer.
So why is it so hard for me to acknoweldge MY Rescuer? Why do I resist? Daily I fall, I fail, I am scared and need help, I need resucitating...and I could call out to Him, I have His 911 on speed dial, He is only a call, a shout, a cry away...and I am simply to stubborn to pick up the phone or open my mouth. Until I hit rock bottom. Daily I hit rock bottom, and daily He resucitates me. He has too, there is no other way.
At work the other day there was a patient who was blind, and I watched as he let the ER Service Rep guide him to his ER room. A perfect stranger, whose face he couldn't even see, and trustingly he took the Rep's arm and faithfully let him guide him to a Treatment Room. I have never been so jealous as I watched that literally blind, trusting faith. Everything in my life is a struggle because I am too stubborn and scared to to have such a faith. Yes I'm a Christian, yes I believe, and I've gotten a lot better, grown a lot in my faith, but it's in the little things that I have such a hard time letting go and letting God. A blind patient can willingly let a strange hospital employee guide him to a room and desperate patients will gladly call 911 and put their whole lives in a perfect stranger's hands to get help, get stabilized, and be whiscked to a hospital....but I resist and hold on to my control almost to the death from a God who has lovingly proved Himself to me time and time again!...it's sad, amazing, and human. It's a struggle.
I'm a work in progress, as is my life and career, and it's all a gift from God. Sometimes a gift with damaged wrapping, but a beautiful and unique present is inside, even when I don't see it that way. So I'm going to blog about it on here, and if you choose to read it, I hope you see Him.
My mom bought me Matt Maher's CD 'Alive Again' before I left for my internship in Rochester, MN, because she'd heard the song 'Alive Again' on KLove and it reminded her of paramedics finding patients, and God finding us, and I listened to it all the way there. It's an amazing song about Him saving us, how He resucitates us, daily.
http://www.klove.com/lyrics/lyrics.asp?2991
Thanks for reading.
~M
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