laments, longing and love.

January is halfway over. Six months from now I'll be another year older and 2 years and six months closer to thirty (dear God that's a terrifying proposition), and I am constantly in awe of the fact that one month of the year, the first month, can make us completely rethink everything...resolutions, life, what we're doing, what we've been doing.
As a fairly (ok, very) goal-oriented person I always make if not resolutions at least some semblance of goals that I want to at least attempt to accomplish in the new year. I don't know why I do this, because 99% of the time I make goals that are way too lofty and am not able to fully realize and then I'm always disappointed in myself, somewhat. So this year I tried to not make goals that were not too concrete but just a list of things that would be, you know, nice to do, if I could accomplish them. They included growing closer to God, growing closer to him, finding a paramedic job, getting my finances in order, and being healthier. Now it's midway through the month and I'm not doing the best in all of these things, and even though they aren't concrete goals, I'm already not very happy with myself.
I know that half of these things I have no control over, but that's the thing I have the most trouble with in life--not having control. And I have gotten better, but it's still hard.
Most normal people have given up on the whole it's-a-new-year, looking-back, reminiscing thing, but I'm obviously not normal, and I'm just now sort of rethinking everything, life, wondering, in the immortal words of my love John Mayer, 'am I living it right?' Examples: Last year I fulfilled a dream and my biggest passion by becoming a paramedic. I do not and never will regret doing this, and it was perhaps the best experience of my life, but it's almost a year since graduation and I still have not found employment as a medic. I've been on a dozen interviews and put out at least 50 applications, but...I don't know. Its hard not to wrestle with God and be angry about why He placed this passion within me and yet has not given me a job doing what I want so badly to do. I have never been as happy as I was on my internship in Rochester--working 12-hour days six days a week, not getting payed, riding in the back of an ambulance and learning and attempting to save lives...it physically hurts thinking that a year ago this time, that's where I was. I felt so close to God and so right, truly following a calling. But now...here I sit. I have the gold badge of honor that I fought tooth and nail for (and at many points in my difficult year of schooling thought I'd never earn), but I'm not doing it. I am grateful for my job in the ER, and it's closer than nothing, but...why? I'm wondering if all my co-workers who told me to just forgo medic school and go for an RN were right, and if I should maybe cash in my chips and go for an RN (something I have NEVER desired to do), simply for the money. Bills are still piling up and Mom and I are still struggling to make ends meet, and as the one of the two of us who is primarily responsible for paying the bills, I feel as though I'm failing. There are no easy answers in this situation, and I HATE the feeling that I'm stagnating so horribly.
The other big...issue? in my life currently is the situation between him and I. In the last couple years I truly finally came into my own as a daughter of Christ. Jesus showed me who He is and who I am in Him. I learned so much about myself and myself in Christ...and I was (and am) very happy with my life and my life in Him, especially single. I came to terms with the fact that a relationship wasn't in His cards for me, possibly not ever, and that was OK. Very OK. After longing for 20-some years for a Godly soulmate, I realized I didn't need one to be complete, that I had (and have) all I need without one. Then, two-ish months ago, with no warning, enter him. Well, he was always there (11 years of friendship for pete's sake) but in a new way, one I NEVER expected. Everything I ever wanted in a gorgeous package...perfect, except for one minor detail. he's 19 hours away. Falling for him has been easier than breathing, but being in a... 'relationship' with him has been painfully real, really hard, exciting, difficult...a roller-coaster. It's a God-send, an answer to prayer, one of the best things that's ever happened to me, hands down...but so difficult. In my best moments I relax and trust, God and him...in my worst it brings me to my knees--the wanting to be with him and see him; it's a longing, a very real ache, and sometimes I want to yell at God, and I question Him and cry and don't understand why He would finally bring me this amazing thing but not really truly bring it to me...after all the crud and the crap that I've been through...he makes me as happy as I was last year in Rochester and more, and yet...at the end of the day he's there and I'm here. Do I know that God's plan is perfect? Yes. Do I believe him? Trust him? Know already that I love him so much I'd literally wait for him forever? Yes, yes and unequivocally yes, absolutely. I know that in the end it will all be worth it, it will be so beautiful...I know nothing truly worth fighting for is every an easy fight. But sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough. What keeps me going is that I know I'm not, really, but Jesus in me is. So I keep going, because the easy way out is lonely and I couldn't stop loving him now any more than I could at any point in the last 11+ years. I praise God for the blessing he is and the whole experience is. And I'm making a goal/resolution whatever, halfway into the first month of this new year, to keep looking up, to not give into the pessimism that is in my nature, because I don't like it, it's not an attractive part of me...I like to be happy. So I'm going to be happy, no matter what happens. Job or no job, him or no him, and I will love every second I have with him, if he's right in front of me or not. Most of all I'll never give up. And that's an easy goal to keep, because I have never, ever given up. Not never, not now.

...Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo, know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time(Sarah McLachlan, 'Perfect Girl')