and I will build my life upon Your love

Well, I haven’t blogged since I was pregnant, basically 4 years ago (please excuse me while I have a mini panic attack at the fact that my baby will soon be A FOUR YEAR OLD. I reject this reality and substitute my own, thanks). Someone close to me said some hurtful words after that last pregnant blog post—which was fueled by horomones and anticipation and was some of the most heartfelt and important words I’ve ever written. So the criticism led my horomone-soft heart to dramatically declare I’d never blog again. But. I’ve lived through several years of toddler-hood since then and my skin is thicker, and I am also remembering that writing is a big part of who I am. Even if no one else cares about it but me. Blogging isn’t as cool as it used to be, but writing is how I process my world and has been since I could write and spell. So, I’m doing this again after four years, for me. Anywho. A couple months ago, as 2020 was nearing, I was feeling restless. I didn’t like parts of myself and wanted to work on some things. It was coming to the end of a rough year, and my anxiety and anger were always bubbling on the surface of my brain, ready to explode. My relationship with God wasn’t great. My marriage was in a rocky patch. Everything felt like a struggle. After 36 years if I’ve learned anything it’s that as much as I would love to control and change the people and circumstances of my life, truly I can’t change anyone, but me. My reactions. I also knew that God was telling me to get off of social media, cold turkey, for at least a month. I was sick of how much space Facebook and The Gram took up in my brain and life. I was distracted all the time—at work, with William, everywhere. I constantly griped at my husband for never putting his phone down, but I was just as bad. I wasn’t even really talking to God about this but in His love and provision He was telling me what to do and giving me the tools to make it possible. I’ve always been a goals and New Years resolutions gal, to a fault. But I usually make these huge lists, only about 50% of which I manage to accomplish, and then by June I’m mad at myself for not accomplishing All The Things. So for the start of the new decade (don’t at me if you’re a ‘the decade doesn’t start til 2021 person, cause I honestly don’t care—I’m going with 2020. #sorrynotsorry) I decided to take goals month by month. So, starting with the first month of the year: -The biggest one for January was cold turkey-ing social media, which went hand in hand with growing my relationship with God. I’ve attempted social media fasts before but usually would go on on Sundays or on lunch breaks or find work arounds. This time, nada. Apps deleted, no looking back. -I knew from experience that I wouldn’t succeed a social media fast without something to fill in the holes. My brain is retrained better when there’s something new to focus on—I’m pretty sure that’s all brains actually but I’m especially aquatinted with mine. So I needed to fill those time patches with Jesus. It just so happens that for Christmas my lovely mother-in-love gave me a new NIV women’s devotional Bible and made copy of Annie F. Down’s “100 Days to Brave”, both of which I’d been wanting for awhile. I knew that I wanted and needed to read the whole Bible in 2020–I needed to get a hunger and appreciation for God’s word again. With an effortlessness that could only be from God, I started on January first reading a day of “Brave”, then starting in Genesis reading the chapters til I got to a devotional do the reading and prompts, then prayer journaling til my the lead in my chest was replaced with air. And repeated every day. -Resolving to listen to only KLOVE in the car. My norm is to switch from top 40 to NPR. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those stations. However, Sean and I had noticed that our little mini-me was super good at memorizing songs after hearing one just a couple of times #gotitfromhismama Now, I will never apologize for being very proud that my 3 year old can drop a perfectly executed chorus of Lizzo’s ‘Truth Hurts’ (I’m not kidding, it’s adorably the best), but I also want him to grow a love for worship. And as much as I love Andy and Tasha in the mornings with some “All Things Considered” on the drive home, I can’t deny the difference in the peace in my lungs when I blast and belt out words of truth like “Holy Water” and “Build My Life” on a dreary Monday morning or after a stressful Wednesday at work. So corny DJ’s and ‘Jesus music’ as my girl Bri says, it is; at least for a good while. -Flossing every day. I went to the dentist on the 2cnd for my routine cleaning and while my teeth were good and much complimented as usual (I realize that is a bit of a humble brag, but I’ve been obsessed with oral hygiene and blessed with good dental genes, and it’s one of the few things I’ve really got going for me, ok? #neverhadbraces) but my poor flossing habit showed both in the exam and in the ache in my gums all day after the exam. This seemed like something simple I could do for my health, and I’ve never made it a priority before, so. -Only drinking pop on Friday’s. In 2019 I fell into an old bad habit of drinking Diet Coke. I LOVE pop, especially from a fountain. I crave the carbonation and the caffeine of it, mostly in the afternoons; I know the sugar of regular coke, etc isn’t good for me, so I started drinking diet again. No shame if Diet Coke is your thang (my addiction to Starbucks is For Real, I truly have no place to judge) but aspartame and my body are NOT friends. It gives me migraines, anxiety (things I already struggle with on the reg) along with some very TMI UTI problems. But for some reason I thought I could deal with those symptoms and drink me some diet C regardless—spoiler alert, this is always a bad decision for Mary. And your girl has no where near enough will power to cold turkey pop—at least not for January. But one day a week is doable. We always have pizza on Fridays and I’m sorry but pizza without a crisp fountain coke to wash it down? That’s more than my constitution can handle. And if I have that to look forward to I can make it through a Thursday lunch with just water or Bubly. Well. By the grace of God I made it 31 days with these January goals. There was a couple days I fell asleep before doing my Bible routine (yeah I do it at night—I am not about that morning person life and never will be; this is just who I am. Sleep is precious to me, the snooze button is my friend, I’ll never be a sunrise Bible reader, Jesus loves me anyway, end of story), and I had to double up the next day—but I am fine with that. I still get it done, and I look forward to it. I have prayed for a love of God’s word and it’s happening. Y’all the Old Testament is often cucu bananas and I have a lot of questions. But I’m just taking those questions to God. I have been living in my faith for 36 years. That faith has ebbed, flowed, grown, stagnated, changed over the years. And I continue to grow in confidence that my God is big enough to handle every change, growth and question. He is good enough to love me through my human understanding-or misunderstanding. So I am honest in my prayers. I write until my fingers hurt. I get angry, I question, I praise, I question, I thank Him for the good gifts that I don’t deserve, I question, I declare His goodness, I know He loves me through the questions. As each page of the journal fills, I get a little closer to heaven and a little more excited for it. And a little less scared of what’s here on Earth. Speaking of earth, how has it been being off of the soc’s? Guys. It’s been good. So, so good. I kinda really don’t want to go back. I’ve missed Insta more than ‘Book, mainly because of some of my favorite accounts, like Erin Moon from the Popcast and Terra Shepherd boutique, who’s stories made me laugh and think respectively. I’ll go back to both, but I will definitely do more fasts throughout the year, especially when I feel it overtaking my life at all, again. Other things that have been taking up the space left by constant scrolling: -In November William began the process of testing for Autism Spectrum/sensory processing disorders at lifescape. We don’t have an official diagnosis yet, but he started occupational therapy this month and we are confident that it was the right choice for him. He loves going to “play with my friend Sarah” twice a week and I love watching how she unlocks parts of his brain that I have been so frustrated by simply with play. We feel relief that we’re getting some help and we aren’t just bad parents with a hard kid—he truly is processing the world differently than we are, and we have some insight now in how to help him do just that. -I was so blessed to get a Kitchenaid mixer for Christmas and an Instant Pot from my best friend for an “early birthday present” after my beloved crockpot broke. I’ve been having lots of fun playing with these new toys in the kitchen. -my phone still gets a lot of use; listening to a lot of Lord Huron and Lauren Daigle while I cook; lots of laughing at The Popcast while I fold laundry; and Sean got me into the app Wordscapes game for boredom needs such as using the bathroom (I’m only human—some habits will never die *insert shrug emoji here*). -thinking a lot about “The Good Place”—aside from the billion reasons it’s such a brilliantly done comedy and that I adore Kristen Bell (please be my new mom friend Kristen?) I love how it points to the existence of an actual Good Place, and God. Why we need Him. Why there is no point and no need for heaven without Him. Especially these last few episodes. My nerdy, Jesus-loving brain just explodes every time. -reading (this years Goodreads goal is 52, I squeaked in my 2019 goal of 48 JUST under the wire). Kelly Corrigan’s “Tell Me More” was absolutely my favorite read from January. -enjoying the great indoors. I’m ok with winter, because being cozy inside is my jam. However I have been feeling the need for vitamin D after a recent string of foggy days. -thanks to our chiropractor’s yearly practice member celebration dinner, Restoration Generation’s Date Night Comedy, and babysitters auntie Karen and Grandma, Sean and I actually got to go on 2 dates this last month. We have a goal of at least one date night a month in 2020. The new year started a little rough in our marriage and we still have some things to work on, but date nights remind me that he is my favorite person and I am grateful and love him deeply. -counting down to my girl Taylor Swifts Netflix docu “Miss Americana”—we watched it tonight with some Pizza Rev and I was living. My. Best. Life. It exceeded all my expectations and I definitely cried a little. I didn’t think it was possible to adore her more but I totally do. No better way to end the first month of January than with my girl Swift, stone fired cheese and my boys. I think that’s enough word vomit for January. I am going to pray tonight about February’s goals, and blog at the end of each month of 2020 what I did and how they went. For me, not for anyone else. But if you’re actually reading this long post, thanks for taking the time. If you’re the praying type and think of me, would you pray that I can keep the momentum and stamina of these New Years goals? I pray that God is doing something in your life in 2020, even if you don’t realize it yet. May we all see glimpses of Him in new ways, in each other; and may we see way more of each other’s faces than the facebooks. Loosing Meg last year was another sobering reminder—our days are numbered. Social media really doesn’t matter. But God does, and the people He’s put in your life do. He loves you so much. And if you’re reading this, I love you too. Peace. -Mary “And I will build my life upon your love it is a firm fogundation And I will put my trust in you alone And I will not be shaken”