twenty weeks

20 weeks. 5 months. Halfway there. 

It is still so surreal to me to even accept that there is a real live life growing inside of me, that these words feel even more foreign. 

I know it's there. I've seen it, I've felt it, I've heard the heartbeat. I've seen the ultrasound pictures of its profile and tiny big old foot already reminding me of its daddy. I feel the little flutters that couldn't possibly be anything else. It's happening. I am growing a baby and I'm going to be a mom. Life won't ever be the same. 

I am 32 years old. When I was growing up I didn't really picture myself getting married, I thought it would be nice and if it happened it would have happened when I was in my mid 20's but it wasn't a requirement. I thought I would be a doctor, or a scientist. And eventually a mom--either a younger mom like mine was if I did happen to get married, or if my dreams of a career in STEM panned out, I would adopt, single, around 30. I always knew I would adopt. The whole get married and growing kids thing seemed pretty unlikely and that was fine. 

 But here I am--32, no illustrious life saving career, 2 years into a sweet marriage I never could have predicted, and growing a baby at an age I thought I would probably be done with by now. 

Isn't it funny how we think we can plan our lives? That we have some control? My whole life I have fought blindly and desperately for control and every turn God has shown me it isn't my wheel to steer. I have been reading the story of Joseph (yeah, the coat-of-many-colors guy) in my 5 minute morning devos (yeah it's only five minutes but it's something, right?) and his story is amazing to me--one day his life was planned out--favorite son, great coat, dreaming the dreams and living the dream--the next, boom, betrayed by his own family and sold into slavery and that's just the start of his careening wheel of craziness in life. But. Every step, God saw him. God helped him. God knew his destiny was greater than he could ever imagine. Until suddenly he's the freaking king of Egypt and his family's bloodlines lead to Jesus, THE Jesus. I wish I could go back and ask him how often he was scared and how many days he felt unsure and unprepared like me. 

 I have never felt more unprepared for anything than I do to become a mother. I am surrounded by great moms. Waiting til 32 for my uterus to get the message that hey, we're supposed to grow a kid maybe? means that the majority of my closest friends and family already have their own families. Our church especially knows how to "be fruitful and multiply" like none other (so much so that if you're NOT being fruitful and multiplying it can feel lonely and weird, but that's another season and another story--but I've been there and I know there are others and you are in my heart.) At church every Sunday I look at all these women who already know how to be a mom and I want to hyperventilate and just yell "HOW!? How do you do that thing with your fancy nursing cover and not show God and everyone your business? How do you wake up and get here and look gorgeous and your kids look like amazing Baby Gap ads and I have no kids but there's peanut butter on my jeans and I don't think I remember how to straighten my hair?! How do you carry that bloody baby carrier like it doesn't weigh anything AND hold your 2 year old on your other hip? My back hurts in these flats wth no kids to carry!..." It's a good thing my church doesn't know how crazy I really am. :)

My two best friends have beautiful kids whom I've doted on for years. I've seen them struggle and fight every day for the good of their families. They are amazing and terrifying to me because well, I'm pretty selfish. I do what I want when I want to do it. I like to buy expensive coffee and nail polish not baby things or pay extra bills when I have extra. But I want my kid to not be selfish. How do I teach it that? When I don't get it right? And most of all--How do I teach it how much God loves it when I can't wrap my own head around it sometimes? When I can't teach this, God's love, the biggest truth EVER to some of the people I love most, at least not so they hear/understand/listen/believe?...further more how do you teach someone to talk? Walk? Eat? Serve others? Love to read? That Batman is the best superhero (after Jesus and Daddy)? To want adventure and not settle for the status quo? To not give up no matter how many times your mommy has in her life. That Taylor Swift is an awesome and amazing musical visionary and human being no matter what anyone else says? To truly be like Jesus when I'm not even sure how myself some days. Every day I truly wonder why God is fashioning this creature in my womb and entrusting it to me for life when He sees what a mess I am inside. Like, are you SURE? Sure your sure? Seriously, God? Me. Me? Cause no one else truly knows my dark and twisty innards like my Father. If I were God, I would be the very last person I would give a baby to. 

 I will never forget July 14th, standing in that bathroom at our friends house (we were dogsitting) and watching those 2 lines actually turn blue on the billionth stick I had spent money to pee on. I have never felt more shock in my entire life. I drove to work that morning with the radio off, or maybe just on low, still disbelieving, and I remember asking the void inside me that suddenly wasn't maybe a void, "are you really there? Are you going to stay? Well I don't know if you are and I don't know what I'm doing, but I promise I will love you and keep you safe." 

And really what else can I do? I haven't read a single parenting book. We haven't even started buying onesies, pacis, or a car seat yet. I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of registering for all the tiny hundred baby things that I can't even. My pregnancy has been filled with high risk twists and turns (again like my life--no control, what a surprise :) and I've just stopped trying to keep up. Every day our baby gets bigger and we get a step closer to meeting it. The fact that something could go wrong is always at the front of my mind after having far too many friends who have lost their little ones, but no matter what happens, I am now a mom. And I believe with all my heart that every baby is God's design so this one is His plan for me. 

Joseph in the Bible was a dreamer. I've been a dreamer too, a girl who likes to make big dreams and plans but seldom follows through on them. God gave Joseph a life beyond his wildest dreams, and through God Joseph even saw his dreams come true. I haven't made much of my life but now I have this chance. This scary beautiful chance. God did great things with the bloodline of Joseph's family, with Judah's DNA leading right to the man who would fix everything. I never became a doctor. I didn't finish college and I never saw my later dreams of being a paramedic come true. And that's ok, I'm settled where I'm at. But for this baby...the sky is the limit. God can use this critter growing in my tummy for anything. This little arrow, with God's help, can be thrust in any direction. Scary and beautiful big dreams for a little baby who's not even breathing air outside of my belly yet, but...if we do this whole parent thing right who knows where that arrow will go. I want it to dream big, like Joseph. Like me. And maybe baby your dreams will come true. Mine are, in a different way--a dream I didn't even know I had really. 

So. I'm not prepared and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared but I know God is already there just as He has always been. My whole life I see His hand. This family I've been given is a gift, starting with my wonderful husband and now this tiny life. I don't deserve either. But I'm trusting. And I will do my best to keep my hands off the steering wheel.