and I will build my life upon Your love

Well, I haven’t blogged since I was pregnant, basically 4 years ago (please excuse me while I have a mini panic attack at the fact that my baby will soon be A FOUR YEAR OLD. I reject this reality and substitute my own, thanks). Someone close to me said some hurtful words after that last pregnant blog post—which was fueled by horomones and anticipation and was some of the most heartfelt and important words I’ve ever written. So the criticism led my horomone-soft heart to dramatically declare I’d never blog again. But. I’ve lived through several years of toddler-hood since then and my skin is thicker, and I am also remembering that writing is a big part of who I am. Even if no one else cares about it but me. Blogging isn’t as cool as it used to be, but writing is how I process my world and has been since I could write and spell. So, I’m doing this again after four years, for me. Anywho. A couple months ago, as 2020 was nearing, I was feeling restless. I didn’t like parts of myself and wanted to work on some things. It was coming to the end of a rough year, and my anxiety and anger were always bubbling on the surface of my brain, ready to explode. My relationship with God wasn’t great. My marriage was in a rocky patch. Everything felt like a struggle. After 36 years if I’ve learned anything it’s that as much as I would love to control and change the people and circumstances of my life, truly I can’t change anyone, but me. My reactions. I also knew that God was telling me to get off of social media, cold turkey, for at least a month. I was sick of how much space Facebook and The Gram took up in my brain and life. I was distracted all the time—at work, with William, everywhere. I constantly griped at my husband for never putting his phone down, but I was just as bad. I wasn’t even really talking to God about this but in His love and provision He was telling me what to do and giving me the tools to make it possible. I’ve always been a goals and New Years resolutions gal, to a fault. But I usually make these huge lists, only about 50% of which I manage to accomplish, and then by June I’m mad at myself for not accomplishing All The Things. So for the start of the new decade (don’t at me if you’re a ‘the decade doesn’t start til 2021 person, cause I honestly don’t care—I’m going with 2020. #sorrynotsorry) I decided to take goals month by month. So, starting with the first month of the year: -The biggest one for January was cold turkey-ing social media, which went hand in hand with growing my relationship with God. I’ve attempted social media fasts before but usually would go on on Sundays or on lunch breaks or find work arounds. This time, nada. Apps deleted, no looking back. -I knew from experience that I wouldn’t succeed a social media fast without something to fill in the holes. My brain is retrained better when there’s something new to focus on—I’m pretty sure that’s all brains actually but I’m especially aquatinted with mine. So I needed to fill those time patches with Jesus. It just so happens that for Christmas my lovely mother-in-love gave me a new NIV women’s devotional Bible and made copy of Annie F. Down’s “100 Days to Brave”, both of which I’d been wanting for awhile. I knew that I wanted and needed to read the whole Bible in 2020–I needed to get a hunger and appreciation for God’s word again. With an effortlessness that could only be from God, I started on January first reading a day of “Brave”, then starting in Genesis reading the chapters til I got to a devotional do the reading and prompts, then prayer journaling til my the lead in my chest was replaced with air. And repeated every day. -Resolving to listen to only KLOVE in the car. My norm is to switch from top 40 to NPR. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those stations. However, Sean and I had noticed that our little mini-me was super good at memorizing songs after hearing one just a couple of times #gotitfromhismama Now, I will never apologize for being very proud that my 3 year old can drop a perfectly executed chorus of Lizzo’s ‘Truth Hurts’ (I’m not kidding, it’s adorably the best), but I also want him to grow a love for worship. And as much as I love Andy and Tasha in the mornings with some “All Things Considered” on the drive home, I can’t deny the difference in the peace in my lungs when I blast and belt out words of truth like “Holy Water” and “Build My Life” on a dreary Monday morning or after a stressful Wednesday at work. So corny DJ’s and ‘Jesus music’ as my girl Bri says, it is; at least for a good while. -Flossing every day. I went to the dentist on the 2cnd for my routine cleaning and while my teeth were good and much complimented as usual (I realize that is a bit of a humble brag, but I’ve been obsessed with oral hygiene and blessed with good dental genes, and it’s one of the few things I’ve really got going for me, ok? #neverhadbraces) but my poor flossing habit showed both in the exam and in the ache in my gums all day after the exam. This seemed like something simple I could do for my health, and I’ve never made it a priority before, so. -Only drinking pop on Friday’s. In 2019 I fell into an old bad habit of drinking Diet Coke. I LOVE pop, especially from a fountain. I crave the carbonation and the caffeine of it, mostly in the afternoons; I know the sugar of regular coke, etc isn’t good for me, so I started drinking diet again. No shame if Diet Coke is your thang (my addiction to Starbucks is For Real, I truly have no place to judge) but aspartame and my body are NOT friends. It gives me migraines, anxiety (things I already struggle with on the reg) along with some very TMI UTI problems. But for some reason I thought I could deal with those symptoms and drink me some diet C regardless—spoiler alert, this is always a bad decision for Mary. And your girl has no where near enough will power to cold turkey pop—at least not for January. But one day a week is doable. We always have pizza on Fridays and I’m sorry but pizza without a crisp fountain coke to wash it down? That’s more than my constitution can handle. And if I have that to look forward to I can make it through a Thursday lunch with just water or Bubly. Well. By the grace of God I made it 31 days with these January goals. There was a couple days I fell asleep before doing my Bible routine (yeah I do it at night—I am not about that morning person life and never will be; this is just who I am. Sleep is precious to me, the snooze button is my friend, I’ll never be a sunrise Bible reader, Jesus loves me anyway, end of story), and I had to double up the next day—but I am fine with that. I still get it done, and I look forward to it. I have prayed for a love of God’s word and it’s happening. Y’all the Old Testament is often cucu bananas and I have a lot of questions. But I’m just taking those questions to God. I have been living in my faith for 36 years. That faith has ebbed, flowed, grown, stagnated, changed over the years. And I continue to grow in confidence that my God is big enough to handle every change, growth and question. He is good enough to love me through my human understanding-or misunderstanding. So I am honest in my prayers. I write until my fingers hurt. I get angry, I question, I praise, I question, I thank Him for the good gifts that I don’t deserve, I question, I declare His goodness, I know He loves me through the questions. As each page of the journal fills, I get a little closer to heaven and a little more excited for it. And a little less scared of what’s here on Earth. Speaking of earth, how has it been being off of the soc’s? Guys. It’s been good. So, so good. I kinda really don’t want to go back. I’ve missed Insta more than ‘Book, mainly because of some of my favorite accounts, like Erin Moon from the Popcast and Terra Shepherd boutique, who’s stories made me laugh and think respectively. I’ll go back to both, but I will definitely do more fasts throughout the year, especially when I feel it overtaking my life at all, again. Other things that have been taking up the space left by constant scrolling: -In November William began the process of testing for Autism Spectrum/sensory processing disorders at lifescape. We don’t have an official diagnosis yet, but he started occupational therapy this month and we are confident that it was the right choice for him. He loves going to “play with my friend Sarah” twice a week and I love watching how she unlocks parts of his brain that I have been so frustrated by simply with play. We feel relief that we’re getting some help and we aren’t just bad parents with a hard kid—he truly is processing the world differently than we are, and we have some insight now in how to help him do just that. -I was so blessed to get a Kitchenaid mixer for Christmas and an Instant Pot from my best friend for an “early birthday present” after my beloved crockpot broke. I’ve been having lots of fun playing with these new toys in the kitchen. -my phone still gets a lot of use; listening to a lot of Lord Huron and Lauren Daigle while I cook; lots of laughing at The Popcast while I fold laundry; and Sean got me into the app Wordscapes game for boredom needs such as using the bathroom (I’m only human—some habits will never die *insert shrug emoji here*). -thinking a lot about “The Good Place”—aside from the billion reasons it’s such a brilliantly done comedy and that I adore Kristen Bell (please be my new mom friend Kristen?) I love how it points to the existence of an actual Good Place, and God. Why we need Him. Why there is no point and no need for heaven without Him. Especially these last few episodes. My nerdy, Jesus-loving brain just explodes every time. -reading (this years Goodreads goal is 52, I squeaked in my 2019 goal of 48 JUST under the wire). Kelly Corrigan’s “Tell Me More” was absolutely my favorite read from January. -enjoying the great indoors. I’m ok with winter, because being cozy inside is my jam. However I have been feeling the need for vitamin D after a recent string of foggy days. -thanks to our chiropractor’s yearly practice member celebration dinner, Restoration Generation’s Date Night Comedy, and babysitters auntie Karen and Grandma, Sean and I actually got to go on 2 dates this last month. We have a goal of at least one date night a month in 2020. The new year started a little rough in our marriage and we still have some things to work on, but date nights remind me that he is my favorite person and I am grateful and love him deeply. -counting down to my girl Taylor Swifts Netflix docu “Miss Americana”—we watched it tonight with some Pizza Rev and I was living. My. Best. Life. It exceeded all my expectations and I definitely cried a little. I didn’t think it was possible to adore her more but I totally do. No better way to end the first month of January than with my girl Swift, stone fired cheese and my boys. I think that’s enough word vomit for January. I am going to pray tonight about February’s goals, and blog at the end of each month of 2020 what I did and how they went. For me, not for anyone else. But if you’re actually reading this long post, thanks for taking the time. If you’re the praying type and think of me, would you pray that I can keep the momentum and stamina of these New Years goals? I pray that God is doing something in your life in 2020, even if you don’t realize it yet. May we all see glimpses of Him in new ways, in each other; and may we see way more of each other’s faces than the facebooks. Loosing Meg last year was another sobering reminder—our days are numbered. Social media really doesn’t matter. But God does, and the people He’s put in your life do. He loves you so much. And if you’re reading this, I love you too. Peace. -Mary “And I will build my life upon your love it is a firm fogundation And I will put my trust in you alone And I will not be shaken”

twenty weeks

20 weeks. 5 months. Halfway there. 

It is still so surreal to me to even accept that there is a real live life growing inside of me, that these words feel even more foreign. 

I know it's there. I've seen it, I've felt it, I've heard the heartbeat. I've seen the ultrasound pictures of its profile and tiny big old foot already reminding me of its daddy. I feel the little flutters that couldn't possibly be anything else. It's happening. I am growing a baby and I'm going to be a mom. Life won't ever be the same. 

I am 32 years old. When I was growing up I didn't really picture myself getting married, I thought it would be nice and if it happened it would have happened when I was in my mid 20's but it wasn't a requirement. I thought I would be a doctor, or a scientist. And eventually a mom--either a younger mom like mine was if I did happen to get married, or if my dreams of a career in STEM panned out, I would adopt, single, around 30. I always knew I would adopt. The whole get married and growing kids thing seemed pretty unlikely and that was fine. 

 But here I am--32, no illustrious life saving career, 2 years into a sweet marriage I never could have predicted, and growing a baby at an age I thought I would probably be done with by now. 

Isn't it funny how we think we can plan our lives? That we have some control? My whole life I have fought blindly and desperately for control and every turn God has shown me it isn't my wheel to steer. I have been reading the story of Joseph (yeah, the coat-of-many-colors guy) in my 5 minute morning devos (yeah it's only five minutes but it's something, right?) and his story is amazing to me--one day his life was planned out--favorite son, great coat, dreaming the dreams and living the dream--the next, boom, betrayed by his own family and sold into slavery and that's just the start of his careening wheel of craziness in life. But. Every step, God saw him. God helped him. God knew his destiny was greater than he could ever imagine. Until suddenly he's the freaking king of Egypt and his family's bloodlines lead to Jesus, THE Jesus. I wish I could go back and ask him how often he was scared and how many days he felt unsure and unprepared like me. 

 I have never felt more unprepared for anything than I do to become a mother. I am surrounded by great moms. Waiting til 32 for my uterus to get the message that hey, we're supposed to grow a kid maybe? means that the majority of my closest friends and family already have their own families. Our church especially knows how to "be fruitful and multiply" like none other (so much so that if you're NOT being fruitful and multiplying it can feel lonely and weird, but that's another season and another story--but I've been there and I know there are others and you are in my heart.) At church every Sunday I look at all these women who already know how to be a mom and I want to hyperventilate and just yell "HOW!? How do you do that thing with your fancy nursing cover and not show God and everyone your business? How do you wake up and get here and look gorgeous and your kids look like amazing Baby Gap ads and I have no kids but there's peanut butter on my jeans and I don't think I remember how to straighten my hair?! How do you carry that bloody baby carrier like it doesn't weigh anything AND hold your 2 year old on your other hip? My back hurts in these flats wth no kids to carry!..." It's a good thing my church doesn't know how crazy I really am. :)

My two best friends have beautiful kids whom I've doted on for years. I've seen them struggle and fight every day for the good of their families. They are amazing and terrifying to me because well, I'm pretty selfish. I do what I want when I want to do it. I like to buy expensive coffee and nail polish not baby things or pay extra bills when I have extra. But I want my kid to not be selfish. How do I teach it that? When I don't get it right? And most of all--How do I teach it how much God loves it when I can't wrap my own head around it sometimes? When I can't teach this, God's love, the biggest truth EVER to some of the people I love most, at least not so they hear/understand/listen/believe?...further more how do you teach someone to talk? Walk? Eat? Serve others? Love to read? That Batman is the best superhero (after Jesus and Daddy)? To want adventure and not settle for the status quo? To not give up no matter how many times your mommy has in her life. That Taylor Swift is an awesome and amazing musical visionary and human being no matter what anyone else says? To truly be like Jesus when I'm not even sure how myself some days. Every day I truly wonder why God is fashioning this creature in my womb and entrusting it to me for life when He sees what a mess I am inside. Like, are you SURE? Sure your sure? Seriously, God? Me. Me? Cause no one else truly knows my dark and twisty innards like my Father. If I were God, I would be the very last person I would give a baby to. 

 I will never forget July 14th, standing in that bathroom at our friends house (we were dogsitting) and watching those 2 lines actually turn blue on the billionth stick I had spent money to pee on. I have never felt more shock in my entire life. I drove to work that morning with the radio off, or maybe just on low, still disbelieving, and I remember asking the void inside me that suddenly wasn't maybe a void, "are you really there? Are you going to stay? Well I don't know if you are and I don't know what I'm doing, but I promise I will love you and keep you safe." 

And really what else can I do? I haven't read a single parenting book. We haven't even started buying onesies, pacis, or a car seat yet. I'm so overwhelmed by the thought of registering for all the tiny hundred baby things that I can't even. My pregnancy has been filled with high risk twists and turns (again like my life--no control, what a surprise :) and I've just stopped trying to keep up. Every day our baby gets bigger and we get a step closer to meeting it. The fact that something could go wrong is always at the front of my mind after having far too many friends who have lost their little ones, but no matter what happens, I am now a mom. And I believe with all my heart that every baby is God's design so this one is His plan for me. 

Joseph in the Bible was a dreamer. I've been a dreamer too, a girl who likes to make big dreams and plans but seldom follows through on them. God gave Joseph a life beyond his wildest dreams, and through God Joseph even saw his dreams come true. I haven't made much of my life but now I have this chance. This scary beautiful chance. God did great things with the bloodline of Joseph's family, with Judah's DNA leading right to the man who would fix everything. I never became a doctor. I didn't finish college and I never saw my later dreams of being a paramedic come true. And that's ok, I'm settled where I'm at. But for this baby...the sky is the limit. God can use this critter growing in my tummy for anything. This little arrow, with God's help, can be thrust in any direction. Scary and beautiful big dreams for a little baby who's not even breathing air outside of my belly yet, but...if we do this whole parent thing right who knows where that arrow will go. I want it to dream big, like Joseph. Like me. And maybe baby your dreams will come true. Mine are, in a different way--a dream I didn't even know I had really. 

So. I'm not prepared and I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared but I know God is already there just as He has always been. My whole life I see His hand. This family I've been given is a gift, starting with my wonderful husband and now this tiny life. I don't deserve either. But I'm trusting. And I will do my best to keep my hands off the steering wheel. 

the fatherless, they find their rest

"Oh, my dad passed away." "My dads dead". "It's just me and my

Mom." "Oh, I don't have a dad." We all come from two parents. That's just biology. A fact that is rooted deep into who we are, one that comes with stories and pasts and intrinsic facts of what makes us, us. So when you're a girl without a dad, you get used to the explanations. Because life is telling our stories to each other and our stories start with our parents. 

 I've been fatherless since I was 11. That's 21 years without a dad, 21 Father's Day's without anyone to buy a card for, 21 years...

I'm not the first girl to loose her father. I'm not the first girl to loose her father in a really crappy way--thought really any way you loose someone you love, is crappy. (And sometimes you have a dad and it's not good, he's abusive or absent or something is just not good, and if that's you I'm sorry, your story may be more like mine. I had a step-dad for awhile and that's how it was with us, and that is a whole other world of hurt.) 

But I am alive and my dad is not, and one of the things I want to do while I'm alive is tell my story, and remind other people how beautiful life is, because when you loose someone you love you're even more acutely aware of the beauty of life. So. 

Hopefully you have a dad to buy a card for and things are good. Hopefully you don't know what it's like. Once when we were dating my husband asked me what it was like to grow up without a dad and I told him it was kind of like always being scared, all the time a little bit, in a way. I watch my best friends kids, the way they look at their dads, with a confidence and a security--a knowledge that they will be safe and loved, that someone strong has their back. A bond with mom is so so special but so is this bond with dad, it's palpable and I can see it when I watch my friends son hug his daddy goodnight, when my goddaughter grabs her daddy's hand and pulls him around the zoo, him smiling with pride down at her little blond head; when I hear my husband talking to his dad on the phone...when your dad is in the world you're not afraid. You have moments of fear, sure but in general you know that the guy a part of you literally comes from, he will always have your back, and there is a power in that. 

I miss it. For 21 years I've missed it. 

So that's what it's like, not to have a dad for 21 years. There are days when it's not a big deal and days when it is. Just like any loss, some seasons of life it's felt more acutely than others. It was the worst around my wedding--once I went to David's Bridal to make a payment on my dress and saw another bride trying on her dress for her father. He was in tears and held her as he wept, calling her his 'beautiful baby girl'...I barely made it out of the store, I was so overcome with grief and anger and jealousy that it was like lead. I prayed hard that the other bride would soak that moment in, and that she would realize how unbelievably blessed and favored she was, to have her dad there, in the David's Bridal salon with her. To walk her down the aisle.  

So that's what it's like, not to have a dad for 21 years.

A couple years after my dad died my youth pastor was doing a lesson about how we are all different but all parts of the body, on 1st Corinthians 12, and he was using Chips Ahoy cookies as a reference. He used the cookie to point out how we are all different shapes, sizes, colors--and then he looked at me and said "and some of us have lost someone important, or are missing someone, like this cookie with the chocolate chip that's fallen off", and that was the first time I really realized that my fathers loss would always be with me, always be one of the defining facts of me. Like my name, my eye color, my Starbucks order, my health history, my dad died when I was 11. That's it. It's a fact, a part of me, something I can't change. 

So that's what it's like, to not have a dad for 21 years. 

By the grace of God I have come a long way--I can now listen to the song "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman on KLOVE without being angry; I can watch my friends dance with their fathers at their weddings without wanting to cry and punch someone simultaneously; I can sit while my coworker gripes about her live in boyfriend being overprotective of said co-workers young daughter and not liking the daughters bad-news boyfriend without shaking her, my coworker and yelling in her ear, "she needs him to do that! Let him be that presence for her!" Because that's what I want to do but I don't. 

So that's what it's like, to not have a dad for 21 years. 

And even though I've grown up "in the church", and have grown up praying to God and calling Him 'Father', it took a long time for my heart to call Him Father. Once in Life Group many years ago we were talking about the way God is to us, the ways the Holy Spirit takes care of us, and what ways were easiest for us to accept and what weren't. I have been single for most of my life, I only dated one man semi seriously before my husband and that wasn't for very long. I married at 30 and spent 99% of my teens and twenties as a very independent and very single girl. That being said it has always been easy for me to trust God as my provider, the Lover of my soul, my first love. When I met my husband I was coming off a period of years of being unhappily single and had truly become content, and happy to be on my own with God, single if that's what He wanted. So that side of God, I had down. But the Father side? Nope. That was a hard one. I had to pray for God to fill my orphan heart, to help me trust Him, to be all that He says He is to my daddy-wounded heart. I still have to pray that. It's getting easier though. Because He is good, and He has always been my Father, even when I couldn't see it. 

So that's what it's like to not have a dad for 21 years. 

On an episode of "Six Feet Under", one of my favorite shows (set in a funeral home) a character who was there to bury a loved one asked Nate, the protagonist and funeral director, "why do people have to die?" He simply replied, "To make life important." This is my banner as a girl who's dad died. Life is so important. When you go through crappy things, the more and the crappier the better, the more it makes you realize how every breath you breathe is a miracle. I am so thankful for every moment. I'm introverted by nature and don't have a big group of close friends, but if you are one of my people, I love you fiercely. I claim you and celebrate you with all that I am. You're not just my friend, you're my family. I will pray for you and worry about you and buy you birthday presents. My mom and I have an irreparable bond forged by grief and tears and love. I whisper "thank you God" silently over and over in the back of my head every time I look at my husband's handsome face. My job isn't my dream job but I'm proud to go to work every day and work hard, then punch out and come home to our little apartment that I've painstakingly decorated with joy and love. I savor music, books and coffee. I don't deny myself ice cream. I've stopped worrying people will look at me weird when I throw my head back and sing in church and at concerts. I pray about everything and tear up at almost anything. Because I'm alive. And my dad isn't. 

So that's what it's like. To not have a dad for 21 years. 

Now I'm in a season of life where I'm, we, are wanting to make my husband a father. We are (ironically) on nine months of trying unsuccessfully to make this happen. And I also mourn that this Father's Day, feeling a longing as I walk past the greeting card aisle at Target that I was buying 2 cards, for 2 different types of daddies. But I have hope that someday God will bless us with a miracle and soon as they're out Earthside I will search his or her left forearm and look for a birthmark--a darkened patch of amplified freckles that my daddy had and I have, too. And maybe he or she will, as well.

Happy Father's Day, to my daddy in heaven--I'll see you again. 

To all the dads who are doing so well, to the dads who aren't. You are loved and needed and wanted, dads. Friends, especially daughters--if you have a dad on earth and he is good to you, love him well back. Call him, appreciate him, tell him how much he means to you. Because next year you may not have someone to buy a Father's Day card for. 

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows— this is God, whose dwelling is holy. (Psalms 68:5 NLT)

when strivings cease

Maybe it's because I've been sick lately (nothing bad, heaven knows it could be worse for Pete's sale). Which usually causes me to do a lot of unintentional navel gazing and feeling sorry for myself, because I am very rarely sick, and as a lifelong workaholic I have a hard time resting..so I don't seem to get over whatever I've got for a long time. Or maybe it's being 31 (thirty one!) and thinking about starting a family and all that comes with that. Or maybe it's the fact that this year is the 20

year anniversary of my dad's death. Or a combo. Regardless I've been thinking too much lately. Reflecting on identity a lot, and on striving. I realized today suddenly while I was sitting at my desk at work that I have spent my whole life STRIVING. For something. And I've not really accomplished anything I set out for. I've always put myself in these groups or types in my head and I never actually end up in said groups despite trying. 

When I was young, I wanted to dance. I took classes, lots of them, and I did the performances and bought the shoes and I tried. I loved it. Most of all I loved the girls I danced with and I wanted to fit IN to their world, their parties, their sleepovers, their world of tanned long legs and flowing hair and grace and trips to get smoothies and stories of school dances. Their natural talent and upper middle class lifestyles and on the outside looking in, everything was so easy for them. They had dads, kind step-dads, they had cars and credit cards and solos in "The Nutcracker". I had homeschool (which I loved, don't get me wrong, but you can't exist in 2 worlds especially in high school) and grief and a controlling step-dad who I just wanted to make everything better but made everything worse, and short legs and glasses and extra weight that didn't go away no matter how much I danced. I have, in short, never "fit in". 

Then I wanted to become a doctor. And I took a lot of classes and I tried not hard enough and mostly I worked to pay for the classes and I didn't study enough. I had big plans, what I felt was a big calling, but didn't know what I was doing. 

Then I wanted to be a paramedic. I had maxed out on student loans (despite not having a degree) so I payed for the school out of pocket. I was working 2 jobs still and driven by a lot of coffee and passion and again, what I thought was a calling. I made it through school and internship and fell in love with the EMS life. Again I saw myself in a certain group, and I felt, finally, this is where I belong. I passed my national boards and got my fancy EMT-P sleeve patch and a sleek black pant suit and I went on interviews. And more interviews. And I watched over and over again as people with less experience and lesser connections than I got the jobs I wanted so badly. After 2 years of applying, facing recertification and unable to pay for the fees and refresher courses, I let another dream go by, feeling an ache to my toes every time an ambulance passed me on the street. 

You know what they say--everybody wants to be "somebody". Something big. I was addicted to this idea more than anything I think, wanting that. 

And through all these years I dealt with my father and my grandparents death, I helped my mother get out of a debilitating emotionally abusive marriage and lost the concept I wanted most of all--the happiness and security of a family, loosing in the divorce my step-brother who was one of my very best friends (he hasn't spoken to me to this day). I moved in with my mother and we struggled financially and butted heads like any adult daughter living with her mother would, at least I think they would. I hope. I didn't like myself for a lot of days. 

In the midst of the crazy God made good things happen even when I couldn't see them. I started a long distance relationship with the man who is now my husband. It was full of tears and joy and letters and flights scraped together at the last minute, short visits and bawling in airports, showing each other our cities and families and friends, shared journals...and finally a marathon drive in a moving van when he came to live in my town, followed eventually by a proposal and beautiful wedding. We've been married for 9 months now, and I still can't believe it some days, that he is mine, that God made him for me and I get to keep him forever. So now I am a wife. A group that I never thought I would be in or really strived to be in, coincidentally. So maybe that is the secret, to belong--stop trying?

When I was in dance in high school my dance teacher told me something that has stuck with me and I think of nearly every day. When she told me originally my 17 year old brain kind of let it go in one ear and out the other but now I feel like it reflects my whole life up to this point, in an ironic way. :-)

We were doing grand jete's across the floor, going from corner to corner, practicing traveling and extending our lines, and I would start out strong, doing the given combination well from the starting point to the middle of the floor but as I neared the corner I would usually mess something up in the footwork and kind of give up before I reached the corner, finishing the combination half heartedly. I don't know why, why I couldn't move past a mistake and keep going. And my teacher told me, "Mary, just once I would like to see you finish something. Go the whole way and do it all the way through." I can hear those words echoing in my infected ear drums like it was yesterday. I wish I could go back and tell that distracted 17 year old, "listen to her! Finish strong! Accomplish something you set out to do, even if it's just a jazz combination." Would my life look different if I had listened? 

And yet I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I have a notebook that says "where you are is where you are supposed to be". I believe that every day is a divine appointment. I know I don't have to be on an ambulance or somewhere special to serve God. Logically I know all this. 

So why am I still struggling? Striving? Pride. When will I push past this pride and believe, and not just believe but know in my heart, where my truest identity lies? 

Psalm 46:10 says "Cease STRIVING and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, exalted among the earth." I don't think I'm properly exalting God when I'm striving. I know how I should be but I keep getting in the way. How long does it take for head information to reach your heart? Lazieness? I may be a workaholic but I think in some ways I am lazy. I do just enough to get by but I can't push through to the next level. When it matters. And I think my heart is the same way. 

The song "In Christ Alone" says 'what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears subside, when strivings cease!' I get there, sometimes. A lot of times. But I want to be there all the time. No matter what happens. Life is a roller coaster and my faith journey has been too. I wish I could say that it hasn't been. And yes I know I'm not the only one. I know that in Jesus I am enough. TO Jesus I am enough. My true identity. I know all this. But it's knowing it 24/7, and embracing it deeply, that is the problem. I had really thought I'd have this all figured out at 31, but it seems I was wrong :-)

laments, longing and love.

January is halfway over. Six months from now I'll be another year older and 2 years and six months closer to thirty (dear God that's a terrifying proposition), and I am constantly in awe of the fact that one month of the year, the first month, can make us completely rethink everything...resolutions, life, what we're doing, what we've been doing.
As a fairly (ok, very) goal-oriented person I always make if not resolutions at least some semblance of goals that I want to at least attempt to accomplish in the new year. I don't know why I do this, because 99% of the time I make goals that are way too lofty and am not able to fully realize and then I'm always disappointed in myself, somewhat. So this year I tried to not make goals that were not too concrete but just a list of things that would be, you know, nice to do, if I could accomplish them. They included growing closer to God, growing closer to him, finding a paramedic job, getting my finances in order, and being healthier. Now it's midway through the month and I'm not doing the best in all of these things, and even though they aren't concrete goals, I'm already not very happy with myself.
I know that half of these things I have no control over, but that's the thing I have the most trouble with in life--not having control. And I have gotten better, but it's still hard.
Most normal people have given up on the whole it's-a-new-year, looking-back, reminiscing thing, but I'm obviously not normal, and I'm just now sort of rethinking everything, life, wondering, in the immortal words of my love John Mayer, 'am I living it right?' Examples: Last year I fulfilled a dream and my biggest passion by becoming a paramedic. I do not and never will regret doing this, and it was perhaps the best experience of my life, but it's almost a year since graduation and I still have not found employment as a medic. I've been on a dozen interviews and put out at least 50 applications, but...I don't know. Its hard not to wrestle with God and be angry about why He placed this passion within me and yet has not given me a job doing what I want so badly to do. I have never been as happy as I was on my internship in Rochester--working 12-hour days six days a week, not getting payed, riding in the back of an ambulance and learning and attempting to save lives...it physically hurts thinking that a year ago this time, that's where I was. I felt so close to God and so right, truly following a calling. But now...here I sit. I have the gold badge of honor that I fought tooth and nail for (and at many points in my difficult year of schooling thought I'd never earn), but I'm not doing it. I am grateful for my job in the ER, and it's closer than nothing, but...why? I'm wondering if all my co-workers who told me to just forgo medic school and go for an RN were right, and if I should maybe cash in my chips and go for an RN (something I have NEVER desired to do), simply for the money. Bills are still piling up and Mom and I are still struggling to make ends meet, and as the one of the two of us who is primarily responsible for paying the bills, I feel as though I'm failing. There are no easy answers in this situation, and I HATE the feeling that I'm stagnating so horribly.
The other big...issue? in my life currently is the situation between him and I. In the last couple years I truly finally came into my own as a daughter of Christ. Jesus showed me who He is and who I am in Him. I learned so much about myself and myself in Christ...and I was (and am) very happy with my life and my life in Him, especially single. I came to terms with the fact that a relationship wasn't in His cards for me, possibly not ever, and that was OK. Very OK. After longing for 20-some years for a Godly soulmate, I realized I didn't need one to be complete, that I had (and have) all I need without one. Then, two-ish months ago, with no warning, enter him. Well, he was always there (11 years of friendship for pete's sake) but in a new way, one I NEVER expected. Everything I ever wanted in a gorgeous package...perfect, except for one minor detail. he's 19 hours away. Falling for him has been easier than breathing, but being in a... 'relationship' with him has been painfully real, really hard, exciting, difficult...a roller-coaster. It's a God-send, an answer to prayer, one of the best things that's ever happened to me, hands down...but so difficult. In my best moments I relax and trust, God and him...in my worst it brings me to my knees--the wanting to be with him and see him; it's a longing, a very real ache, and sometimes I want to yell at God, and I question Him and cry and don't understand why He would finally bring me this amazing thing but not really truly bring it to me...after all the crud and the crap that I've been through...he makes me as happy as I was last year in Rochester and more, and yet...at the end of the day he's there and I'm here. Do I know that God's plan is perfect? Yes. Do I believe him? Trust him? Know already that I love him so much I'd literally wait for him forever? Yes, yes and unequivocally yes, absolutely. I know that in the end it will all be worth it, it will be so beautiful...I know nothing truly worth fighting for is every an easy fight. But sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough. What keeps me going is that I know I'm not, really, but Jesus in me is. So I keep going, because the easy way out is lonely and I couldn't stop loving him now any more than I could at any point in the last 11+ years. I praise God for the blessing he is and the whole experience is. And I'm making a goal/resolution whatever, halfway into the first month of this new year, to keep looking up, to not give into the pessimism that is in my nature, because I don't like it, it's not an attractive part of me...I like to be happy. So I'm going to be happy, no matter what happens. Job or no job, him or no him, and I will love every second I have with him, if he's right in front of me or not. Most of all I'll never give up. And that's an easy goal to keep, because I have never, ever given up. Not never, not now.

...Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo, know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time(Sarah McLachlan, 'Perfect Girl')

New Year's survey

1. What did you do in 2010 that you've never done before?

Passed the NREMT-P National Registry practical and written exams.



2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

It's a lost cause, I always forget.



3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My BFF Karen had lovely baby Eden!!! :)



4. Did anyone close to you die?

No thank God



5. What countries did you visit?

0.



6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A medic job, him here with me, better finances.



7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 10th--paramedic school graduation; March 10th, found out I had passed the written exam and could officially call myself a paramedic.



8. What was your biggest achievement?

Becoming a medic.



9. What was your biggest failure?

Not finding a job as a paramedic.



10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Lots of little things, nothing worth dwelling on.



11. What was the best thing you bought?

Dirty Vegas, my used 2001 Mitsubishi Galant.



12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Karen and Nichole, who got me through so much crap;him.



13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed and disgusted?

Sdad, sbrother.



14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills bills bills.



15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Internship, becoming a medic, everytime I went on an interview and thought I'd maybe FINALLY get a medic job; him :).



16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Thrice, 'The Artist In The Ambulance'/Jason Gray 'More Like Falling In Love'/John Mark McMillan 'How He Loves'/Eminem ft. Rihanna 'Love the Way You Lie'/Lifehouse, 'All In'



17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a)happier or sadder? Happier

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner

c) richer or poorer? Probably about the same :) Poor in finances but rich in blessings.



18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Relaxing and trusting in Him



19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Being angry and unhappy with life rather than seeing the beauty of His plan, regardless.



20. How will you spend New Years?

Babysitting and hopefully texting/talking on the phone.



21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Oh let's say in the process :)



22. How many one-night stands?

0.



23. What was your favorite TV program?

'Grey’s Anatomy' & 'Glee'



24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Naw



25. What was the best book you read?

Wally Lamb, 'I Know This Much Is True'/Eric and Leslie Ludy 'When God Writes Your Love Story'/Shane Clairborne 'The Irresistible Revolution'



26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Kari Jobe/John Mark McMillan



27. What did you want and get?

My paramedic liscence; him--ish :)



28. What did you want and not get?

A paramedic job, him--ish.



29. What was your favorite film of this year?

'Twilight: Eclipse' :)



30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Worked, went to dinner with Mom; 27.



31. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?

A paramedic job, him here (this is getting redundant :-p)



32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Well the first month of the year I wore my medic pants, work boots and student polo EVERY SINGLE DAY; the rest of the year it's either been scrubs or jeans with a concert t-shirt and sweater/hoodie every day and clogs.



33. What kept you sane?

Karen, Nichole, him.



34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

John Mayer! <3 (best concert of the year :)



35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Tried to stay away from polotics.



36. Who did you miss?

The Tollivers when the moved, him.



37. Who was the best new person you met?

Lots of awesome co-workers



38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

I am NOT in control, but that's OK.



39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane/I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy/When all of a sudden/I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/And I realize just how beautiful You are/And how great Your affections are for me..."--JMM



40. What is your goal for 2011?

-Pay at least half of my student loans off and raise my credit score; become a better runner; GET A MEDIC JOB; see him.

I am convinced this will be the year that my faithful Father shows me that good things come to those who wait patiently on Him. I am so blessed, no matter what. How He loves us, indeed, and how I love those of you that He has so graciously placed in my life. Blessings to all of you.



~M

ya'll know me still the same ol' G

OMG. Why do I even TRY to keep a blog? Seriously. Luckily my presence in cyberspace is very very small and no one out there is hanging on my every word, desperatley waiting for me to write a blog. :) This is just for me, and I'm still not very good at it! I used to be, Sonny.
Anyways. It would be pointless to recap everything that's gone on since February, and really not much has changed. I'm officially a paramedic, which is awesome and defines me greatly--but I do not yet have a job as a paramedic. Being a paramedic is who I am, it's a dream come true and a goal acheived...so why I'm not working in that capacity yet, I don't know. The wonderful thing is that though it's been a very hard and complicated year full of conflicting emotions and not understandint what on earth God is doing, I have reached a place, thanks to Him, where I have absolute peace. I will never understand His ways, and that's OK. I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my life at this point in time, but I am where He wants me to be. For the first time in my life I truly get the concept of 'peace that passes understanding', because absolutley nothing in my life makes any sense at all, seriously, and that's OK. I spent the greater part of the year frantically pursuing jobs and being angry and frusterated with every rejection letter, kicking myself over every interview question that in hindsight I was sure could have been answered differentley, picking apart my education and decisions and not being angry with God for giving me this overwhelming desire to go into a field where I apparentley am unable to find a role.
Somewhere along the line though after much praying and searching and anger and wrestling with God, He gave me this gift of peace. There is a reason for my being almost a year out without a spot as a paramedic. I don't understand it, but I'm at the point where I'm greatful for it, sort of. Getting there. :) God has shown me more about dealing with people and loving them in my current job this last year than I've ever had, He has softened my heart greatly and shown me what it means to truly love as He does. Obviously I will always need to work on this, but He's given me a glimpse into His heart more passionatley and in depth this past year than I ever felt possible. Once I stopped wrestling and gave it up and let Him lead me, I was awestruck with what He showed me. He's used a great deal of things to get me here, and I am greatful for every one.
Aside from work, He has worked on me in other relationships as well. Family, friends, co-workers...I feel as though I am a much better person and friend in a much better place than I ever have been after these difficult years, and it's all because of Him and His peace. I can't really describe it...only Jesus could make ME speechless and at a loss for words :) Obviously I have a long ways to go in the Kingdom and my walk but I know, as I said, that I am here right now for a reason and a purpse and that every step I take is guided, my life is not my own, and I am so love-struck and greatful. Life is still hard, but I am being carried by a Lover who cares for me more than any mortal man or parent or friend every could, and though I am so undeserving, He continues to guide me and carry me through.
I've often said that the overwhelming theme in my life and walk with God is Him reminding me, over and over again, that I'm not in control. Daily it seems I rise up and try to say 'But but but! I have a plan! I'm good at this! Let me take over! I want the reigns!' And daily He gently reminds me to stand down. I've had to rely on Him for everything these past few years, from finances to energy to words...that's not easy for me. I'm a paramedic, it's my nature to take control and rescue and be self-sufficient and plan and be on my own. In the dictionary next to the phrase 'control freak', there should be a picture of me. But Jesus, with a patience that no one else could ever have, continually breaks me down and brings me back to a place where I have nothing but Him and need to cling to Him for dear life. I have a long ways to go but I think I'm starting to get it.
So it's funny that every aspect of my life right now is a little bizzare and very unsuspected and out of my control, but is also so beautiful in so many ways. My employment status--I never thought I'd still be in the ER but I know I am there because I'm supposed to be. It's not the role I want, but it must be the role I still need, or the role He needs me to be in. My family--still living with Mom and still her main support, as she navigates life away from Sdad and all the drama and family crap that still revolves around us. We are far from financially stable still, still thanks to Sdad< but God and God alone pulls us through. I am heartbroken over the loss of my brother who has now cut all ties with me but am relying on Jesus to get me through that, and if someday possible, for us to reconcile. The main area the Lord has been my rock is interpersonally, through all this crap--it's easy to feel very alone because I have no one, really, or had no one, to lean on but Him. Mom leans on me and that's a LOT--I'm her roomate, daughter, help-mate, best friend, and psychologist right now all roled into one. So that doesn't leave a lot for her to give to me. She is an amazing woman who has done so much for me over the course of my life that this role reversal isn't anything for me to be resentful about, she needs me and deserves a lot better after all she's been through. I am greatful I can be here for her. And it's made a stronger person and made my relationship with Christ stronger. But it's also made me a little harder than I needed to be, made me think I didn't need anyone else, ever...my main suppot systems in my life besides Mom have been for the last 8 years or so my best friends, Karen and Nichole, both of whom along with their families are amazing and often fill in the void of family for me. However, Karen now lives an hour away and they both have their own families to contend with, so I've often felt on my own, and this has pulled me closer to Jesus. I felt pretty comfortable with the fact that it was me and Him and that was all I needed and the way it was always going to be.
Until recentley...obviously He is still all I need and still my all in all, however, recentley He has opened up a door that I did not think possible...long story short (something pretty impossible for me to do, but you know:), an amazing man who I've known since high school and who has always been one of my best friends, and who I've almost always wanted to be more than friends with, and who I tried, twice before, to be more than friends with but it never worked, but I always had wished...the funny thing is I struggled and prayed daily for him, for my heart and head to forget him and to just love him like the brother in Christ he's been and only that sort of love, because I never thought he'd ever feel anything else for me but that...we where good friends, giving each other advice on the opposite sex and I played along and begged God to take away what I thought were futile and unnsessecary feelings that would never be reciprocated...but it's funny how God works. And of course nothing is normal in this situation--an 19-hour drive distance of almost 2,000 miles, technically never having seen each other in person...it's complicated and nerve-wracking and uncertain...and wonderful. I was completley unprepared for this part of my life, for him...but oh I'm loving every minute of it. And it's another area in which I can almost literally see and can definatley feel God's hand doing the orchestrating, and in which He has given me absolute perfect peace. I require an inordinate amount of patience in a NORMAL relationship, so this is a huge leap of faith on both parties and I feel almost sorry for him, having to deal with me and my doubts and everything, but our shared faith and friendship is huge and seems the perfect launching bad for something this bizzarly wonderful. And God is using it something fierce and...yeah. It's hard but it's awesome. I'm overjoyed and so excited to see where it goes.
Life is a roller coaster. Nothing about it makes sense. It sucks sometimes. But my God is good and amazing and full of infinite possibilities. I have no idea where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or who will be beside me when I do get there, but I know Who's controlling the roller coaster :)
-m